Good days and Bad days!!!

Ever since I got an opportunity to live on my own, I knew this is something I would want more of.

Having a house to myself, caring for it, making my own meals, spending time alone, going grocery shopping, and so much more helped me feel more and more me. I would read. I would journal. I would spend time Sunbathing. Take walks. All of which made me feel the happiest person on planet. I would spend time with neighbor family talking about things, laugh and create memories.

I enjoyed being alone; it was serene. Like everything else, it also came with its own merits and demerits. 

When you make a decision to live with yourself, truly so, You are forced to confront everything that is. You start to see your thoughts, beliefs, habits, emotions, trauma just to name few. You may try to distract yourself, you may try to suppress what is unwanted but it doesn't go away. 

I was never terrified to be alone in a house, but now that think about it, that is exactly what  i needed. It gave me solace to heal but healing is never easy. It is painful. It demands immense strength and courage. There were times when I despised myself and life, when I felt hopeless and emotionally damaged.  When you choose to commit to healing, you have no choice but to go through it all. It did break my spirit several times. I was miserable and didn't want to feel that way or see myself in so much pain.

When my brother returned after a year (I was living at his place), I realized I needed to move out. I began looking for places. I looked for independent apartments but couldn't discover anything that I liked. As a result, I decided to keep the option of sharing apartments open. It would be nice to change to have people around on troubled days i thought. I quickly located a 2BHK apartment that I liked, which could be shared by four people. It wasn’t bad at all; house was specious and at great good location. Society had a garden and a swimming pool, so I was sold. It was a good change. My roommate was quite lovely, and we became good friends over time. I had a fantastic time, and it added to so many beautiful memories.

I'd want to take a moment to encourage you all to start journaling. When I write retrospectively, a lot of wonderful times and lovely memories come flooding back to me, and let me tell you, that there is pure joy. I believe that happiness is accessible to us; however, it takes serious practice.

Returning to the subject at hand, having my own apartment was constantly on my thoughts. After around spending 18 months in this flat, I thought it was time to find my own home. However, I was delaying taking action on it.

First, it was my roommate, whom I was not ready to say goodbye to, followed by the prospect of additional expenses. But most of all, I was frightened of being alone on unpleasant days. As much as i think it is understandable to feel that way, I was on a healing journey which sometimes requires making tough choices. By then, I had understood that we would have both good and bad days. We'll feel alone and vulnerable, it is part of life.  

I reflected on all the hard days I'd had. I had survived those. Bad days pass and you begin to feel better again. With the wisdom and bravery to be as invested in bad days as I am in good days, I resolved to accept life as well the repercussions of my choices. 

I found an apartment within a week, exactly where I wanted it to, it felt so homely, and I knew it would be my new home. I felt overwhelmed. This would be my house, a new chapter my life. I have to take care of my finances, move in, and furnish my home. All by myself except that I wasn’t all by myself. I had my younger brother.

When I started looking for houses, I had prepped myself to handle additional expense. I taught myself a new way of looking at things. Having a house will bring me happiness and contentment. It is something that I wanted to do for myself. I deserved a life of my dream, to be able to accomplish the things I wanted to do, and to at least give it a shot. I owed it to myself to lead a healthy and happy existence. I'm earning money so I can do all of these things, and I'm so glad I took that leap of faith and trusted myself to make my wish come true. 

I am every bit grateful to entire cosmos making it happen for me, to everyone involved in this process, to all of my loved ones who helped me setting up and make this place my new home.

I've been able to call this place home for about 8 months now. And yes, it has been a beautiful experience for me with its entirety. Life continues to be full of both unpleasant days and good days. Some days, all I want is my life as it is. There are days when i am completely hopeless. But I am not resisting any of these days. I am learning to be compassionate and kind toward myself through difficult moments.

One thing I've learned from my experience, among many other things, just getting through a tough day may not seem heroic but it is. We may not glorify it but navigating through a tough day with kindness towards oneself requires its own kind of bravery. Appreciating the ones who do  requires even more.

We often celebrate big achievements and milestones, while overlooking the quite courage it takes to simply be okay during challenging times. Sometimes, just allowing to be, to endure and to acknowledge the struggle without pushing it away, is an act of strength in itself. It is also easy to glorify the things that are loud and visible, but its just as important, if not more, to honor the quieter, internal battles. Making it through a hard day, staying true to yourself, and letting yourself experience and process those emotions, is something to be equally proud of.

I also believe that giving oneself a break from heroic expectations, choosing to rest, and taking time to recover (which may also manifest as not wanting to get out of bed on some days) is okay. Bulldozing yourself is unhealthy. This is not a solution. We must stop praising accomplishment that comes at the expense of emotional, mental, and physical harm. 

I'm learning that moving at my own pace for whatever goal I wish to reach is okay. As long as I do my best and am completely honest with myself, it is an accomplishment in itself.

We have forgotten that defining success or achievement is highly subjective. I only want to make one request to everyone reading this: it is time to be careful of developing values for your lives based on your personal truth rather than taking them from social structure.

This post is intended for everyone who is trying to find themselves in all the noise surrounding us. You are wonderful, and may you all continue to find strength in being yourself, because that is enough, and everything else is icing on the cake.

Have a beautiful day!!!